A Typical Day in the Office

This post was written by special guest writer Monty. The writing was inspired by the book Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson; Gonzo journalism

Oh great, 12:45 pm, do you have to go back into work? Not really. You could just quit. Just stay in your car turn the key slam it in reverse and peel out of the lot with the windows down. No. You can’t. What would people think of you. You’re throwing away a sure, money making thing because you think there is something better for you out there. So ungrateful. People would kill to be in your position. Suck it up and go inside. Go face Matt. The perfectly boring Matt. Even his name. Matt. The thing you unknowingly step on as you enter a building. Maybe with some cliché message on it that it thinks could somehow change your entire world view. Make you a shining rainbow of positivity and motivational quotes. Matt. Go back in and hang out with your new lifelong business partner. The good employee. The one that cleans the bottoms of his superiors’ shoes all while smiling and spouting a positive message to other people that he’s really telling himself to justify his own worthless existence. Geeeeeez lay off Matt. You’re just mad because he can appear to be happy even when he isn’t. He isn’t hindering others by glooming around the office. Geez, you’re actually jealous of Matt. Oh my gosh look, he’s holding the door open for you as you walk back into the building, wow, you’re such a dick. The guy you were just railing on is helping you through a door you needed no help getting through… is that a noodle… in his beard? Just smile and thank him. Don’t stare at it. How does he not feel that thing? It’s a full grown, unbitten, Lo Mein noodle. Oh boy, he’s talking to you now. What did you have for lunch? A question you can’t ask him because you already know. Wait, maybe he’s trying to be funny because you have something in your beard, too. Idiot, you don’t have a beard. He does. And it has a long thick greasy noodle in it. He doesn’t even care that you didn’t answer. This guy is just talking to talk. His voice is the kind you could listen to an audio book of, maybe he just likes listening to it all the time. Maybe that’s how he stays so calm and comfortable trapped in his cubicle all day, just talking to himself. Talking himself down from going absolutely mad and going on a bloody, murderous rampage in the office that would put him on the front page of every news outlet in America calling for changes to the second amendment, when the real cause of the death and despair is the psychotic break occurring in every cubicle across the country. Woah, you don’t want to go there. It’s dark over there. Look over at Matt. Look how happy he is. He’s still talking. How can you get him to stop talking? He’s followed you all the way to your desk. How has your body language not tipped this guy off? The noodle. It’s wiggling with every word. I know how to get him to stop talking. You’re gonna love it. Just lean in real close. Lean in. Right in his face. And slurp that noodle right off his beard… Finally. Peace and quiet… You should really quit. Now no one’s gonna talk to you in this office anymore. And that wasn’t a noodle… It was a BOOGER.